Ebb and Flow are the words I find myself using, to describe my life and the feeling of being in it...when someone asks me "how are things going?" There's no clear answer...all I know is that it is always in flux. Every couple years I have to re-evaluate the things that I value, and the work that I do...a necessary process for someone who's life's goal has always been to wake up excited to go to work! This type of goal may take most of my life to achieve, if it's even attainable...but I know this...I'm drawn to be free of my own misery.
Growing up with an eye for detail, a relentless curiosity for nature, and parents who could teach me almost any manual task I needed to know....set me on a path. Early on, I was drawn to sketching and drawing...trying my best to copy nature, with a pencil. These early years were troubling though, as I didn't identify as an artist. I could see other "artists" with more natural skills, and endless desire to doodle, sketch and create! Where was that drive in me? ...it wasn't. Suddenly I didn't fit my own label...troubling at times, but I found other hobbies, like sports, and games to keep me going...fast!
It's taken me 25 years to only begin to understand what an artist is. You see, it's not about the things you create, or how often you create them. It's not even about how talented or experienced you are. The artist is the other side of the ego, it's the person that wants to feel everything, all the time, but often lacks the vessel or the medium to communicate those feelings...and be heard. Art isn't the thing...it's not, and never will be. Art is just a word, attempting to describe a feeling that is indescribable. We say we make art, but really we can only ever do art. I've had the pleasure recently of witnessing a close family member (who I respect almost to the point where she can do no wrong)...begin to awaken the artist! It's amazing to see, and to hear about...the silly nature, the spontaneous decisions, that simplicity behind it all. It's inspiring. I get it...I feel it...I can't wait to see more of it...and learn from witnessing this exciting journey!
I know in my core, that I continue to suppress my own artist. It's an internal battle with control...one that cripples me, and always has. I was born an artist...and at the foundation, are experiences, and curiosity...the desire to feel things I've never felt, the rush I get from walking over to the edge, jumping...and landing on two feet!...Or my head! Risk is what I'm describing, and the feeling that comes along with taking risk. I suppose there's nothing else much more worth living for, than those moments where I channel my risk taker, and take the leap!
Along the way (of life) I started to "smarten" up...by creating boundaries for myself, in order to gain more control. Unfortunately, as I gained control, I lost touch with my artist. Yes, my ego protects me, I need it to survive...but it smothers the artist. Fortunately the artist is uncrushable...in fact, it's as if it were designed to fight my ego...with its greatest power being the ability to break down boundaries. My art grows stronger now, with every new risk.
I am just beginning to see art for what it is...and witness it in others!
Ebb and Flow... Ego and Artist...
I can see it now...